Why understanding ourselves is harder the we think
We all assume that we know ourselves well. It makes sense, after all, as we are the sole inhabitants of our own brains. We are the experts in our complex life stories. We are the ones who experience our own pain so profoundly.
But the reality is that we often don’t know ourselves well at all.
When we are dealing with others, we often assign motives to their behaviour that are inaccurate.
When an old lady across the road shouts at our children to stay away from her garden, we might assume that she hates youngsters, but the truth is that she is protecting the rose bush that her late husband planted the day before he died.
But surely we know ourselves better, right?
Not always.
Just because we live inside our own thoughts and emotions, it does not mean that we truly understand ourselves. Even the most self-aware person is sometimes taken off guard by their reaction. We feel something profoundly but struggle to work out why it had such an impact on us. We might struggle with a frustrating daily habit that we just can’t shift and we aren’t sure why.
The truth is this…
There is usually a gap between our perceived self-knowledge and our actual self-awareness.
Why self-understanding is so difficult
It feels as though self-understanding should be simple but in reality, it is more difficult than we would imagine.
Our minds retrospectively create explanations that make sense for us and help us to feel safe. It is far more comforting to believe that when our boss gives us negative feedback it is them being unreasonable than it is to accept the uncomfortable reality that our work might not be up to scratch.
The emotions that we are feeling in any given moment can shape our responses. If we have just had an argument with a friend, we are more likely to be defensive in our interactions with the next person we encounter. Similarly, if we are in a good mood because it is our last day at work before a holiday, we might feel more understanding towards a work colleague’s unreasonable behaviour than we otherwise would have.
We protect our identity and self-image by justifying our behaviour. Someone who believes they are a good driver might be more inclined to blame another person for ‘not looking where they were going’ than allowing themselves to admit that they drifted over into their path.
These are just a few examples of how we lie to ourselves constantly.
The limits of introspection
Introspection is sold to us as the root of personal development. There is a whole industry that focuses on self-reflection, journaling and personal development. What much of it misses, though, is that introspection can be fundamentally flawed.
When we examine our behaviour on a superficial level, we often do this with the motive of justifying it rather than understanding it.
Introspection often relies on our memory and interpretation and there can be huge gaps in this.
Some of the powerful influences that shape our behaviour are operating without our conscious knowledge.
True self-reflection requires us to actively seek out those gaps. A willingness to question our own thoughts and reactions might be one of the most valuable skills we can develop and yet many self-reflection practices simply don’t dig deeply enough.
Challenging our assumptions
It is healthier to feel curious about our emotions and reactions than certain about them. Curiosity is the gateway to understanding.
It can take a lifetime of practice to become more self-aware and it is a journey with no end. Just like chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, we will never quite get there.
However, there is one simple step that can heighten our self-awareness.
Stop and activate your curiosity.
What other explanations might you be missing?
If we can create the smallest of gaps between an event and our response, we give perspective a chance to creep in. If we can develop a deeper level of self-understanding, it can lead to better communication and relationships with those around us.
Because sometimes being open-minded about others starts with the need to be open-minded about ourselves.