Behaviour: You’re Reading It All Wrong

As humans, we often have an unhelpful habit of assigning broad labels to those we encounter in our daily lives. In our search for an easy explanation about why another person is behaving in a particular way, we cut corners and often arrive at the simplest possible conclusion. We decide someone is simply ‘rude’, ‘stupid’, or ‘argumentative’, or that they have some sort of hidden agenda that includes an intention to hurt us in some way.

When we assign one of these labels to another individual, it influences how we respond to that person. In turn, they might form an opinion about us, and they then assign a label to us in return. The cycle continues, with each person seeking out evidence that their original conclusion was right.

In a political disagreement, for example, it is really easy to form the conclusion that the other person has missed or overlooked some vital information that you have access to. This can then lead to a feeling that they are ‘stupid’ or ‘ignorant’. Once this label is applied, you are far less likely to search for agreed facts, or calmly share the information on which you have based your own political preferences, because you assume that the other person is too stupid to understand. Frequently, this leads political arguments to become personal attacks, rather than a discussion that is rooted in the facts and evidence that you can both agree on.

All too often, we overlook the fact that there are other things that are going on beneath the surface of difficult behaviour. It could be an unmet need, a fear of rejection, or the person having a lack of resources to regulate their own emotions at that time. A crying child might be hungry, a jealous teenager might be worried that she is losing a friend, an angry neighbour might be overworked and not have the emotional capacity to communicate calmly.

When someone treats us badly or misbehaves, it is easy to jump to the conclusion that they are intentionally trying to harm or upset us. We naturally try to make sense of situations that affect us and this is often the easiest conclusion to arrive at. In addition to this, our own emotional scars can influence the assumptions we make. For example, someone who fears rejection might assume that a person who ignores them doesn’t like them, when, in reality, they are absorbed in their work because there is a deadline looming.

Human nature means that we have a tendency to put ourselves at the centre of the situation and look at things from our own, flawed perspective. We assume we ‘know’ the other person’s motive and can see the truth clearly. We make it about us. The truth is that their behaviour is more likely to be caused by factors that have nothing to do with us at all.

The Six Lenses

So, now that we know that our initial reactions are often flawed, what can we do to address this? We need a system to interrupt our automatic responses and to train ourselves to stop, pause and question our assumptions before locking them in and reacting in a way that escalates the misunderstanding and division.

To help us consider the reasons that others behave and react in the way they do, we have identified six different lenses. By considering which of the six lenses might be in play, we can look at a range of situations from various perspectives before rushing to form judgements.

The Perspectives Lenses are not only helpful when trying to understand the behaviour of others. They can also be used to analyse our own thoughts and reactions and to plan better responses in difficult situations.

There are six different Perspectives Lenses. Each one explores why a person might respond in a particular way. These lenses are not meant to diagnose or label anyone but they do help us to consider a range of possibilities about why a person might behave in a certain way.

Five of the six lenses explore motivation – they help us think about what someone might need, fear or want to protect. The sixth lens is slightly different and looks at capacity. It invites us to consider whether the person has the emotional or mental resources to respond well, and if not, how this might be influencing how they react.

The six lenses cannot be used to explain all behaviour or to figure out exactly what someone is thinking. Instead, they are a tool that you can lean on in times of disagreement, conflict or misunderstanding to help make sense of the situation. It does not matter if you cannot find the exact reason for someone’s behaviour, but it is important to pause for long enough to recognise that there could be more than one explanation.

The lenses are intended to help you to progress from a position of certainty to one of curiosity. This can interrupt our automatic, often unhelpful reactions and provide the opportunity to respond in a calmer, more balanced way.

A Summary of the Six Lenses

The Scarcity Lens

A person’s behaviour may be shaped by a perceived lack of time, energy, security or other resources. When people feel a sense of scarcity, their focus narrows and their responses often become protective.

The Status Threat Lens

A person might react negatively because they feel that there has been a challenge to their competence, respect, or social position. When someone’s status feels threatened, they often work harder to justify their position and attempt to reassert authority or credibility.

The Belonging Lens

Sometimes an individual’s behaviour may reflect a need for inclusion, acceptance or security. Humans have a hardwired need to maintain connection and belonging and this can have a powerful impact on how they speak and act.

The Fear of Loss Lens

When a person is anxious about losing stability, control, relationships, or meaning, they can start to behave in ways to avoid this loss. Humans are often more motivated to avoid loss than to pursue gain.

The Identity Protection Lens

When a person feels their core values or sense of self are being challenged, they can react very strongly. When a person’s identity is at stake, their responses tend to become less flexible and more emotionally charged.

The Capacity Lens

Sometimes behaviour reflects reduced emotional or cognitive capacity rather than being driven by a specific motive. Stress, fatigue or limited emotional regulation skills can make it harder for someone to engage with others in a balanced and calm manner.

If we become aware of the different lenses that might be shaping another person’s reactions, we can work out how to engage with them most effectively. For example, if someone is fearing loss, we can reassure them . If a person has a fragile sense of status, we can protect this in the way that we communicate with them.

Think of a time where someone reacted badly, and their behaviour affected you. Which of these lenses might have been in play? Comment down below!

If you would like to learn more about the six lenses and how to use them to communicate more effectively, please sign up for our structured programme. Perspectives is designed to help people understand patterns of thinking, emotion and behaviour, and to engage with others more thoughtfully. If you would like to sign up, you can do so here:

app.perspectivarium.com